"Huisje-boompje-beestje"

I am not writing this to attack anyone's way of life.  I'm simply writing because sometimes I feel that as a society we try and make people conform against their will, against their nature.  People are so different and are made happy by so many different things.  If I am happy, fine.  I must realize that if I am happy, though, that I don't have to assume that if people are not living like me they are not happy.  Forcing conformity through social pressures is, at it's core, scary as hell to me... and I think it's a weird human trait.

That being said I've found that other cultures have the same sorts of societal cages to put people in a trance of conformity.  Because humans are humans.  Christians, Persians, Jews, Mexicans, Koreans, Mormons, African Americans, etc. all come complete with a set of social norms and phrases to describe them.  One such phrase from the Netherlands that I have been able to relate to my upbringing is "Huisje-boompje-beestje"... loosely translated to House-Tree-Pet (HTP).  Sounds like the ingredients very similar to the American Dream.  Ingredients, for a happy life, right?  From my "extensive" research into Dutch culture I have found that when the term is used it has 3 possible meanings:

1. The most positive is a blissful suburban utopia.  Everything in life is manicured and there seems to be no stress.  The good life.  This does exist for some people... and it's what a majority shoot for.
2. The second meaning is living a bourgeois life.  Not so negative, but maybe not so positive either when you actually think about what bourgeois means.  More descriptively, being bourgeois is to care mostly for the value of property and separation of class in order to secure their supremacy within a society.  Is working to maintain a certain facade really what is considered success in our world today?  Who cares what others think.  External validation is the key to this meaning and that seems a bit scary at some level doesn't it?  To dive any deeper into this use of the word bourgeois within this phrase would be to walk a tight line of being political and that's not what I'm trying to do today.
3. The third way this phrase is used, and the way it was introduced to me, is pretty straightforward: The Boring Suburban Life.  #settling

As happens at least once a year, it seems, I am contemplating my place within society as well as how to interpret pressures applied to me by caring individuals in my life.  I feel loved.  That is a wonderful thing.  Along with that love comes advice and a wanting for me to be happy.  Along with loved ones wanting me to be happy comes suggestions as to the how to be happy, both in my personal and professional life. Having grown up in what I reflect on as a very HTP immediate family, extended family, and community, a lot of the pressures I feel lean towards this lifestyle.

Having the opportunity to live in LA has led me to be surrounded by a lot more selfishness and diversity.  These two things of which I find much more of in the single culture out here have then allowed me to be able to have the flexibility to increase individual growth through self.   I am in an environment which provides pressures that are polar opposite to the priority placed on safety and security of the rural world I grew up in.  Being a person of moderation and sensibility (or so I think) of course my goal is to find self-awareness within the noise.  I want to be happy living what I think is my purpose, and to constantly re-evaluate the realities that have been painted for me so that I may pursue my flow in life without hesitation.  And yes, I also threw up a little in my mouth because of how "Millennial" that last sentence was :)

Below is my internal narrative on each of the ingredients when I think of the phrase.  Basically, it's word vomit:

House.
Do I really want one or need one?  People say, "well, don't you want to pay yourself and not someone else?  Don't I want to have something to pass along to you next generation... Maybe I don't!?"  How do I even know and assume that a house is what the next generation of Michaels want?!  Shouldn't I ask them before I force it on them?  And seriously, people have come from a lot less thn I will likely be able to provide and turned out just fine.  A house is only a house if it's a home, you know?  But a home can be and mean so many different things.  Also, this house thing seems stressful and I've been down that road before... water heater this month, leaky roof next month.  Seems like a lot of money that could be going towards experiences that will maybe help me contemplate and try to understand the world and myself by staring off into the distance in random places whilst drinking coffee and/ or wine and/or scotch.

Tree.
I love them... I hug them...  But is watching one grow the only thing that I have to look forward to?  What if I want to roam around and admire and take care of all the trees I come across?  And also see all the varieties of trees that exist.  After seeing and appreciating the different ones I wouldn't mind planting one, getting it growing in a safe and healthy environment so that it has a great chance at growing and living independently.  Maybe move on and let someone else take care of it.  I may want to take off and see some other things.  I don't want to resent the tree and have to water it everyday.  I want it to be healthy even when I am away.  Then when I return someday I want to see it's progress and be happy and surprised with how it's grown and appreciate it's newness.  But I don't know that I need to own it, you know?  And also, I get it, there's something meditative about taking care of a garden or tree over a long period of time.  Tree's just take so long to grow.

Pet.
This one for sure I want.  This one I get.  They are cute and they snuggle.  They need me... and I absolutely love things that I feel need my help.  But... right now?  Damn.  That would be a drastic change.  You sure you want anything to change?  You are so happy and free in this moment.  Hmmmm, I'm definitely okay with change, in fact I often do better than most with change and maybe change could be good for me right now?  I mean, it has been 3.5 years since I've had any major changes in my life. Does it HAVE to be right now?  Ugh.  Sure, why not?  What's the hold up?  Well, what about traveling?  You don't want to buy a ticket for two... or more on a flight to London do you!?  I guess not, but can't my neighbor watch it?  What a hassle for them, you know how you hate to hassle others.  Think about your freedom... and more importantly your mental freedom!  It seriously would feel so nice to take care of one and have it be excited to see me no matter what when I get home from work.  And it would be nice to have someone or something to think about outside of myself.  As I've already said I do love worrying and thinking about others.  YEAH! but you are trying to change that right now!  Remember!  Think for yourself... they pee on the floor.  They pee on everything!  Fine, no dog.

Don't even get me started on the ingredients together as a whole at this moment.

Listen, I'm not bashing this lifestyle, it's a good lifestyle.  It's just not for everyone.  I have many friends that are sincerely happy in it.  The formula can work.  But I also have friends that are tortured and depressed because the can't understand why they are not happy even though they've achieved the stable life.  Just remember not everything that you think is good, or is good for you, is good for everyone else.  Too often we allow other people to paint a picture of our lives for us thinking that the picture itself will lead to the feelings of HTP meanings 1 and 2.  We don't take the appropriate time to explore and learn how to paint our own picture with our own beliefs and feelings.  Therefore, by closing our eyes to opportunity we have missed the whole point, and risk missing out on life.  That's what leads us to feelings in HTP meaning 3.  The ones I have met that I think are lucky are the ones that realized early on that this cookie cutter "reality" might not be for us and then find ways to break the mold.

We all choose paths.  Even by going with the flow and living in an ignorant bliss we are making a choice.  Each choice leads to a consequence that we think we can predict, but of course each fork in the road leads to more unintended consequences.  As long as we are okay and can move forward with whatever consequences life throws at us then really it doesn't matter how we end up.  For me, knowing that I can't predict the outcomes of my choices, appreciating and paying attention to the path along the way is what's important.  What comes of it will not reflect on my life as a success or failure.  Such terms are infinitely arbitrary and too heavily based on external validation, I think.  Every breath I breathe is a success because it means I'm still here alive and experiencing.

I guess what I'm saying is that I have come to terms that HTP is a phrase I can live with, that I can live in.  Maybe, we'll see I suppose.  What I've realized is much more important, though, is having the freedom of life as an individual human being.  Equally important to me is not caging in the partner of my choosing so that I can be sure the one I love is their own formed person and not just someone trying to appease me and society all the time.  Knowing that individuality within the family of my choosing is a priority and that I will not lie or hide that from potential partners could lead to me being perpetually and maybe permanently single.  The possibility of being the weird member of the family that's just chilling out in CA for the rest of his life in the past maybe would have been a terrifying feeling.  Maybe that terrifying feeling would have then, or did at times, push me to settle in my personal or professional life.  I feel a bit of relief that I am now okay with that possibility, or any possibility for that matter.  Anything is an okay possibility because I am happy first with myself, on my own.  Now I know if I do end up with a house, a tree, and a pet (and a kiddo or two) I will have done so my way.

If you've made it this far thanks for reading a short page out of the "Book of Michael."  I'd like to hear your thoughts :)

Parental Discretion Iz Advised

As I was rolling down the PCH on my way to the beach the other day I was bumping KDAY with the windows down and I found myself in an ironically nostalgic state, reminiscing about my childhood.  Dre and Snoop were on the mic and the lyrics were screaming about nothing but Compton and the "LBC"...

...For some reason the music was connecting my mind to days of riding my bike on Elm St. or around Lake Pulaski.  I had the realization that the songs and sounds that defined my life from 3rd to 9th grade were now defining my late 20's and early 30's because of their revival on the airwaves out here in LA.  Both of these periods were some of the most formative of my life because of drastic geographical moves.  The first period from 3rd to 9th grade my family moved from New Ulm to Buffalo, which might as well have been across the country... this time period was also defined by my ability to buy and trade for tapes and CD's with a brand new group of friends.  The second period, beginning with my move to LA 3.5 years ago, was another time stamp of increased freedom... money to buy a car and pay for gas to sit in traffic listening to this music while driving around making and maintaining a brand new set of friendships.

Childhood Relived
These are the songs that made me think about writing a list.  This is the LA I thought of when I was 11 years old.  The raw and explicit nature of these songs are probably the reasons I never thought this was a desirable city.  In my mind West Coast rap and hard rock were LA... songs about California at-large were beautiful and beach-y... but LA was different.  LA was hard and raw.  When I'm in that angry mood and am trying to compartmentalize and get rid of frustrations (like on days I have to battle the 405) these are my go-to.  Oh, and for those of you that knew me or my parents when I was younger, I owned every one of these albums before I was in the 6th grade.  I think I turned out okay, but honestly, what the hell were they thinking?!

While I condone nothing in the songs I published here, and by no means do they represent my current taste in music, they are the true soundtrack to very important feelings and memories I've had in important times in my life and therefore I like to listen to them... and honestly, who can hold back from nodding their heads to a dope beat by Dre!?!

2Pac- "To Live and Die in LA"

Ice Cube- "Today is a Good Day"

Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg- "Nothin' But a G Thang"

Moving to California Music
Now... to lighten the mood a bit I'll play some non-violent stuff that also bring memories nowadays in relation to LA.  When my girlfriend in residency moved to LA I had no choice but to visit and for the first time truly experience what the city had to offer.  During that year, with me living in the Northern Wisconsin woods and her being out in LA, these were the songs that played in my mind and on my stereo as I thought of the new and real possibility of someday moving away from the Mid-West.  Clearing that sort of difficult mental hurdle was definitely made easier by these tunes.

Weezer- "Beverly Hills"

Beverly Hills was my first introduction to LA.  It is a city that I loved and simultaneously felt like I could never be a part of since it's definitely "...something you're born into..." therefore this song will always have a spot on any nostalgic playlist of mine.

Led Zeppelin- "Going to California"

The melancholy and longing tone of this song and the appropriate lyrics provided a lot of good hours of daydreaming for me as I solo road-tripped across the country in the summer of 2013 on my move from St. Paul to Los Angeles.

Miley Cyrus- "Party in the USA"

"I hopped of the at LAX..."

That's what I was doing when this song was popular.  One of the first things I did when I got to LA was buy a Mini Cooper, which is aptly named... "Miley"

One of my favorite things about living in Los Angeles, maybe, has been driving the cities and streets that so much of American music is written about.  I have always been obsessed with lyrics and have always paid very close attention to my surroundings when driving.  The number of times I have coincidentally been on the street or been driving by the place that a song on the radio is talking about in unfathomable.  And while I don't necessarily think it's that cool of a thing or a reason to be in a city it certainly does put a smile on my face when it happens... which of course quickly gets wiped away when the idiot in the Maserati cuts me off on Sunset.  To live and die in LA...

Power to The Historically Disenfranchised

If you have a short attention span jump to 8:50... but please try to enjoy the honesty of the whole thing.  My favorite comedian of all-time provides a level headed and thought provoking closing to a wonderful set.  Today felt like the demand that Chappelle calls for... a positive movement that will continue to make the american experiment great.

Today was a proud day for me as an American.  Millions gathered together in peace and positivity to celebrate the uniqueness and equality of women.  All around Los Angeles and all over social media I saw nothing but positive messages of empowerment and equality for all peoples.  It was a welcomed burst of love over the interweb following months of negativity flooding the airwaves due to the United States' current political climate.

Seeing all the powerful women in my "community" was inspiring.  Not so long ago, in an age I thankfully never had to live through, women were allowed to speak only when spoken to.  Today they march with pride and solidarity for a better future, doing their best and urging others to do their's to unearth any masked prejudice inklings in our society.  Today felt like a celebration, call to arms, and reminder of the 15th and 19th amendments.  We have come so far.

Today was also a reminder that the work of ensuring equality for all people is never over.  There is never a good enough and there never will be.  We as humans deserve respect and demand equality... and not just on paper.

More, we need more of this.  Good job today, humanity.  Let's keep the conversation going.

West Los Angeles Life

If you know WLA you know this feeling.  Driving in this neighborhood is ill-advised.

A long while back I was asked to write about the neighborhood of West Los Angeles (WLA).  I've written several posts about it but never published them.  This morning I wiped the slate clean and am posting a bit more of a "journal" post because as I got to thinking about WLA I started to get a bit nostalgic about the transitions in my life that have taken place during my time here.  SO... I'm going to post some pictures of this place that is probably the least aesthetically pleasing in LA (yet somehow one of the more expensive places to live due to it's proximity to everything)... but you are also about to get a more predominant introspective post with no real extrinsic catalyst, so feel to turn back at any point.

When decisions are made, small or large it opens paths never previously available... and certainly not imaginable.  In the blink of an eye I have passed the one year anniversary of moving off the beach and into my tiny little studio within walking distance to work.  Due to this simple on-a-whim move my life gained at least 2.5 extra hours per day not sitting in my car.  For a single guy with no kids two and half extra hours per day can do wonders for your ability to aimlessly explore a neighborhood (and your thoughts).  I have met people I could have never imagined meeting and I've developed a lifestyle that I never previously thought possible.  I'm 32 but I feel as though I'm... well, I guess 32, but that number doesn't mean what it used to mean to me anymore.  In LA I come across people of all ages living the lifestyles I used to think were supposed to be lived by people of other age groups.  While this occurs everywhere... in MN I feel that there is a particular lifestyle that is much more predominant and in LA there is much more heterogeneity to the way people live.  These people that are doing life "differently" are happy.  I'm sure at times they are sad but they are also happy.  Just the same as people that follow a path within the structure of the culture they are raised.  While these maybe seem like obvious statements, my internal thought structure just recently allowed them to be wholly true and that more sincere open-mindedness has made me just a bit more happy.

Looking south from my apartment, nothing but more over-priced 4 story apartment complexes and 2 story mid-century aparments

Looking north from my apartment.  Just a half a block away (not pictured) is a McDonald's.  My proudest accomplishment in the past year is being able to count the times I've visited this late-late night stop on both hands.

From my front step a rare photo of Miley parked within view.  Off-street parking is so limited in this tight residential neighborhood that she is often surrounded on the street by 5-series BMW's and way too expensive for my blood Mercedes and Porsche's.

Reflecting on the past year I have done many things but more than anything I have sat in silence by myself in my apartment.  I have taken the time to listen to my inner rumblings/thoughts and taken the time to work through them in silence and meditation.  This year has made me a much more patient person, not so much in regards to my interactions with other people, but in regards to my own life.  This expanded patience has allowed me the time and space to reflect and connect on my own terms with the workings of the world around me.

Wilshire/Brockton... or any corner in WLA.

Now that I live on my own it is easier for me to see that the world can, and will, move on without me, and that's okay from time to time, all I need to do is re-introduce myself when I'm prepared.  I have often in my life felt as if I was moving at a pace that was maybe not the most harmonious with what I wanted, it was the pace that the world or culture wanted and I ignorantly submitted.  In the path and flow of my life (especially over the past year) I have realized, or come to grips once again, with the fact that each step and each decision is so much more complex than I could ever imagine.  I have read that the wise person must simply make a decision for what it is, a decision on the matter at hand, there is nothing beyond that decision.  I agree and am at much more peace when I live by this saying, but I continue the struggle of practice.

When asked if I miss the Manhattan Beach life of ocean views from my kitchen as I sip my coffee I honestly say no.  While that life was nice, so was the St. Olaf one, the St. Paul one, the Hollywood one, this current West LA one, and I can only imagine the next life I live will be quite nice, too.

Reflections of a Drug Dealer, vol.1

(C) Adam Turman;  www.adamturman.com

"I never meant to cause you any sorrow..."

I had a goal with this blog not to talk about any political topics and/or not to give any strong opinions about anything that might be a lightning rod for controversy or that could come across as trolling.  One of the reasons I despise social media so much is that it's often people just posting opinions and a quick stroll through the comments section will show you how little listening and compromising comes from these web based vehicles for information.  Often, in my opinion, these social media platforms have become a tool for isolationism and fear mongering on hot topics.  That's where I'll stop.  This week drugs have been heavy on my mind.  I'm a pharmacist so this statement should not come as much of a surprise.

The reason I write this blog is to respond to questions from family and friends... or give info about my daily life that might lead to meaningful conversation when we re-connect.  In the past couple months I've been thinking a lot about heroin and opioid abuse because of the happenings in the world as well as strong opinions I've heard regarding what to do about the abuse of these drugs.  Some family members made strong statements to me about their perceived ineffectiveness of methadone treatment clinics (which is where I've been spending a lot of my time over the summer due to an unfilled vacancy and another co-worker's unexpected sick leave).  Separately, a random conversation with a beach tennis acquaintance led to their opening up to me about their family member's death from heroin overdose.  Finally, a few weeks ago one of the younger patients at our opioid treatment program (OTP) left and relapsed.  When he returned as a completely broken person he told us he relapsed in order to use with his brother again, but this time the dose was too high and his brother died right in front of him.  Oh yeah... and Prince.  These are the things that have me obsessed.  I have no solutions just observations.  I think the conversations themselves are what's important and this is my hope from this opinion based blog.  From dissemination of true information and transparency I don't think we will solve the problem but be hopefully be better prepared to help those in need.

Over the past year or so I have fallen into a hybrid world of mental health and drug rehab within the VA, not so much due to having my interest fall into these fields/topics but more so that that's where the needs of our department have been due to staffing shortages.  In fact I have done everything in my power throughout my schooling and first few years on the job to stay as far away from mental health as possible.  My fear is that I would become too entrenched in the patients and their issues.  I feel that I approach life and relationships with a lot (too much?) empathy.  Sure enough, as I predicted, I have become deeply connected with the people I work with, both staff and patients, and obsess over their stories and the paths that have led them to the moment they are spending with me.  Let me tell you, working with a patient to help them through a diabetes diagnosis and medication initiation is much easier, in my opinion, than helping someone find the right medication or combination of medications who is coming to terms with blatant bi-polar symptoms or that is working through opioid addiction treatment.  None-the-less here I am working closely with heroin addicts and folks with mental health issues of all varieties.

"... I never meant to cause you any pain..."

Opioid pain killers.  Here's the culprit.  Why are they the culprit?  Who really knows?  Why can some people take them for years safely and others just take one pill from their dentist after a procedure then they are hooked?  It's likely because of their unparalleled ability to numb pain and dull your senses.  For someone not feeling well and looking to escape, whether it be from physical pain or emotional opioids provide an out.  Codeine, methadone, hydromorphone (Dilaudid), morphine, oxycodone (Oxycontin and Percocet), hydrocodone (Vicodin), fentanyl, diamorphine (Heroin) are all opioid analgesics and are given for good reason during surgeries and acute post surgical recovery.  Beyond the initial surgery and recovery though their effectiveness becomes a very debatable topic.  They don't fix anything but they do shut down or mask pain quite well.  Anyone that has taken one post-surgically can surely attest to this.  Pain, and especially chronic pain, is not very well understood.  So, we have a extremely strong reliever of pain, poorly understood pathophysiology of chronic pain, and the American belief that if a doctor prescribes it it must be safe.  These are the ingredients, in my opinion, that has led to the opioid epidemic that we've been experiencing over the past 15 years.

We as providers are quick to give a pill.  We as Americans are quick to ask for and accept a pill.  For anything.  There is plenty of blame to go around in the population based health perspective, but those that should not be blamed are the people that have been too uninformed or naive in regards to the nature of these medications and are now battling addiction.

"... I only wanted to be some kind of friend..."

Heroin seems to be the end all of most users that I come across in our OTP clinic.  So, what makes heroin different... and the same?  The reality is that heroin (diamorphine) is the same as the rest minus one metabolite it kicks off during metabolism, 6-monoacetylmophine, (6-MAM) which the other opioids do not produce.  This is the metabolite that gives the fast onset of action and euphoric rush of heroin that makes it more likely to lead to addiction.  Veterans that I've talked with in depth about their different experiences with different drugs state that it's a euphoria that can never be repeated.  An escape land that is so powerful it needs to be chased.  The problem with heroin (and all opioids) is that when too high of doses are taken too quickly the same receptors that kill pain also slow respiratory rate, often to a pace of death.  So, the people who have taken these drugs and have seen the other side of the brain that the rest of us haven't have certain experiences that the feel they need to get back up to... and the only way is to flirt with death.  They become very aware of the realness of reality.  It's terrifying.

"... it's such a shame our friendship had to end."

The list of people that have fallen victim of opioids is long and distinguished.  Prince, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Corey Monteith ("Glee"), Heath Ledger, John Belushi, Chris Farley, Janis Joplin, Mitch Hedberg, Jim Morrison, and sadly, etc.  From this list it appears that there is something about pushing the limits of the brain and human experience that has led them down this road.  A lot of us are significantly risk averse and prefer to stay within the margins.  We do what we are told and follow the path of those that were successful and healthy before us.  The ones that change the game and change our world tend to be the rule breakers.  Sadly the breaking of rules pushes into all aspects of their life and the reality that they live in is no longer livable and drugs end up being one boundary that they wish to push... but one in which there are irreversible consequences.

Gateways.
I quickly want to mention marijuana because of both it's place in media as more states legalize it as well as perspectives I grew up hearing and still hear as it's consideration as a "gateway" drug.  My personal opinion is that it has become a gateway only because it is lumped in with all the other drugs in the world due to naivety in drug and abstinence education.  For someone that was raised to truly believe it's "bad" just like all the other drugs out there, then they smoke it, only to find out it's not really addictive and not really that "bad", it might cause them to question what they've learned about every other drug, including heroin, cocaine, and meth.  "Reefer Madness" is a strong, albeit old and nowadays almost satirical, example of uneducated propaganda that could have an unintended consequence of disillusioning people that would otherwise be able to differentiate the consequences of various chemicals.  The lack of understanding of this drug has led to decades long delay in possible research and discovery of it's positive effects such as being a safe alternative in chronic pain, anti-nausea and appetite stimulant in cancer patients, as well as epileptic seizure prevention.  Don't get me wrong, I don't believe that weed is good for you and I think we are approaching a slippery slope with it's possible recreational legalization in many states.  Mainly I consider it a public health risk because of it's main vehicle into the body which is smoke.  Any combustion product inhaled, whether it's cigarettes, or a campfire is bad for you.  It's the combustion that leads to cancer, not nicotine and not THC.  Marijuana has it's own host of issues even without the smoke: lack of motivation, increased paranoia, and depression to name a few.

There are many challenges that lie ahead in the discussion of drug education in the US.  But let us not be so naive to the fact that of all the drugs out there, the most common one, alcohol, is likely the most costly and dangerous to our society.  The true costs of alcohol may never truly be known due to the driver of all things, $$$$.  The issue with alcohol is that we are all sheep, money talks, and any negative research on alcohol is strongly opposed by the likes of Anheuser-Busch and friends much like Big Tobacco did for decades.  At the moment, there is little to no lobbying power (relatively) for the marijuana industry.  Also, due to it's laughable federal regulatory status, conducting meaningful research on possible (and likely) positive medical uses, as outlined above, is extremely difficult.

Life or something like it.
So while I believe that if possible the best way to be is stone-cold sober there is no denying that we all have different chemical and hormonal balances in our brains and bodies.  We all experience different emotional responses to similar stimuli and sometimes chemicals help us cope with or heighten certain experiences.  To make illegal any mind altering substance would be ludicrous, instead, let us inform a generation and respect humbly the many ways in which drugs and medications affect us.  We smoke cigarettes, pop benzo's, have a glass of wine after work, get prescribed anti-depressants,  etc. all to deal with the stress of life or to change our experience of the moment.  Are any of these things, or the purpose behind why we take them, really so different?  Once again, let's understand the truth behind all that we put in our bodies and that in which our general population is exposed to on a daily basis.  Transparency and open dialogue can help inform and save lives.

Finally, if you ever come across friends or loved ones that are stuggling with substance abuse of any kind remember that research has shown interventional means of approaching these people are the LEAST effective.  Threatening legal consequence and isolating from a true family structure more often than not leads to relapse and continued hopelessness that the addicted mind uses as proof to continue drug-seeking behavior.  Instead consider first providing safety to the individual, then encouraging through positive motivation (of course while keeping your own physical, financial, and emotional safety the highest priority).  Love one-another, y'all... and try to be free of judgement, often we just have no idea.

Talk soon.

Calm in Chaos... on a Paddle

Getting lost on the beach with friends after a stressful Monday at work.

A lot of my interest in beach tennis stems from it's ability to help me get away from my daily thoughts and just be.  In all of the chaos that we deal with in our daily lives having this escape with the sound of crashing waves and sunshine has allowed me to be more calm in the face of stresses I deal with during the rest of my time walking around this crazy world.

I wasn't really looking for a new paddle... but at the same time I wasn't NOT looking for a new paddle.  A few weeks before my birthday I was browsing the interweb looking for some shorts and found myself looking at the Tom Caruso Website. On the cover page was there new paddle, the "zero".  The image caught my eye and the description by the artist and the company had me sold...

"The artwork is based on the company's philosophy, "free time is free, and that's it!"  It is inspired by the longing for the beach, sun, waves and freedom in a noisy, busy life in a big city."

-Shrijit Rajbhandari, artis

"In the lower left corner of the drawing we can see a character who expresses this wish (of free life) through a diagonal flow clearer than the sides.  Even if he is in the middle of a dark city center.  He flies with his mind transforming everything he sees into his ideal paradise.  Every little trace tells those passions that motivate us to face every new day..."

-TomCaruso.com

Artist's drawing on my new paddle.

... As much as I hate to admit it I am as vulnerable to marketing as the next guy or girl and this purchase is evidence.  While I didn't need this paddle until the company helped me realize that I did I can always carry with me the excuse that the accumulation of paddles will only make it that much easier to organize fun socials and evenings on the beach with friends that aren't hooked enough to buy there own.  So basically this whole purchase was a win-win... I now get to play with a paddle that defines my thoughts about the sport itself and I have one more paddle to share with friends.  

So I have extra's now... LET'S PLAY!

put a bird on it

Tilikum Crossing, Portland, OR

Over the past 10 years I don't know that a single person has ever said, "oh my gosh, Michael, you NEED to move to LA... you are SO LA!"  On the contrary I get the question, "Have you ever thought of moving to Portland?" about weekly it seems.  Often the question comes up in a conversation that has absolutely nothing to do with either travel or places to migrate to.  What's the deal?  I have often wondered why it's such a common theme and I suppose when you hang out with a lot of friends like this...

...hmmm... that one could be a little "LA" too I suppose which is confusing.  But for sure when you find yourself asking questions similar to these at dinner:

...and prefer biking over all other modes of transport, take the time to make single cup "pour over" style coffee every single morning, will only drink craft beer or no beer at all, and own a flannel for every day of the week, you (I) might be Portlandian.

The Deal.
A few months back I was looking through my credit card statements (Delta AMEX) and realized that I had a bunch of vouchers to use up and also a bunch of miles at my disposal as a result of having not used any over the past 4 years of exclusive spending on this card.  Having developed a strong sense of freedom and desire to travel close to LA I was able to get my old college roommate, Jeff Budish, to commit to meeting me for a weekend at my apparent Mecca.

The Timing.
I decided on this past week because it was my 32nd birthday last Wednesday and I've come to a point in my life where I don't really care about my birthday but realize that it's nice to time-stamp this space in time with some sort of diversion from the norm.  Also, last year my co-worker's subjected me to my first ever surprise party and inadvertently gifted me with PTSD for the foreseeable future... so being out of town was the best way to defend against that sort of non-sense.

The Couches.
When I road-tripped on my move out to LA I did not spend a single night in a hotel.  In Denver I stayed with several friends for a few days and in Seattle I stayed with a friend for a few days.  Besides those 4 or 5 nights of the trip I slept either in my car or on complete strangers couches.  Couchsurfing.com became this amazing network of some normal folks and some hippies that were willing to let me sleep on their couch for free as I passed through.  All that is really asked is that you be a good guest (no money is allowed to exchange hands).  As a generosity one usually helps cook a meal or supply a bottle of wine, etc.  Beyond that each experience varies greatly.  I was excited that Jeff wouldn't be arriving until a night after I was in town because it allowed me to reconnect with this community, albeit only for one night, in what I imagined being one of the best cities to couchsurf due to it's hipster dominated neighborhoods.  Things worked out smoothly and my host even sacrificed their evening to take me to a local dive when they found out it was my bday.  Friends were called, shots were taken, stories were told, and laughter was had.  Making new and unique friends in a random city was a wonderful way to spend my birthday and a great introduction into this city that I was quickly realizing was worth the wait to explore.

The following evening I checked into our airbnb and waited for Jeff.  When I was searching for places to stay I focused on 2 neighborhoods, SE/Ladd's Addition and Pearl District... the former being more residential and the backdrop of many "Portlandia" sketches and the latter being more of an urban or downtown feel.  I settled on the residential spot in order to make sure that I had to bike and walk as much as possible.  I didn't want to be too close to anything... except a coffee shop for early morning walks.  SE is green, quiet, and eclectic.  It felt much to me like a more expansive Linden Hills or Grand Ave./Highland neighborhood in St. Paul.  The shops themselves are more spread out through the neighborhood which makes me wonder how loose the zoning restrictions are in this city (late night food trucks take over entire blocks in the middle of quite neighborhoods).

Double doors with a movable table allowed for amazing cool evening reading/drinking/writing.

The airbnb we rented was all windows and surrounded by greens. 

I don't often take selfies.  But when I do they involve books, bikes, and beer... and not my face!

The Beer.
Portland is beer crazy.  Beervana as some refer to it is loaded with craft breweries and tasting rooms.  It is oft-ranked the #1 beer city in America mostly on the fact that it is home to 70 breweries... not counting their suburbs!  The sheer number of breweries creates an osmotic pressure into the community and you can't help but be swept up in the commotion.  There's beer (and cider) for all sets of taste buds.  And while beer aficionados can initially come off as pretentious, a little stroke of their ego can help them change their tone to be extremely helpful to newcomers on the beer scene.  This is key when exploring the beer menu for just the right thing at the local pubs.

Arrival dinner/drinks/blogging at an all gluten free micro-brewery... #onlyinportland

My favorite brewer of all-time, Deschutes... this pic taken from the bike parking lot in front of the main entrance...The perfectly placed beam of sunlight was an obvious call from above to enter.

The Coffee.
Because Portland is just a little bit of an undercover snobby town, and the fact that they have 164 rainy days yearly, they have a wonderful coffee scene.  I'm not sure how folks come up with these "10 best" lists that you see everywhere online and in social media but Portland is once again the usual #1 when it comes to coffee in America.  I had thought that the coffee was wonderful in Seattle and San Francisco during the small amount of time I spent in those cities.  During that time in my life I wasn't into exploring and learning about coffee when I was there so it's hard for me to compare.  I will say, though that anything "craft" in Portland is taken to the max.  Every coffee/breakfast shop I went to (10 in 5 days) had a different locally roasted coffee... that's insane!!  My favorite for sure was the Stumptown attached to the lobby of the famous ACE hotel.  It was a French Roast and was done as a "pour over" which gave it a big advantage since that's my favorite roast and my favorite process... but still, it was bomb, especially paired with a "kouign amann" pastry.

My kouign amann waiting to be devoured on the hipster table in the front lounge of Ace Hotel... this was my favorite coffee hangout of the week.

The BIKING!
Minneapolis is proud of it's growing network of bicycle highways and bike lanes.  Minneapolis is also where I learned to really love everything about the bicycle lifestyle so I'm a bit partial when discussions of great cycling cities come up... but bicycling in Portland is definitely a thing!  After my trip it has become obvious to me that the battle for bicycle supremacy in the US is real.  To be honest the race is too close to call but it's nice to know that it seems that both cities have had the right people in leadership to make it easier on bikes and mass transit users than they have on cars... let us hope that this trend of healthy urban development continues across other cities in the U.S. (especially LA).

My bike experience was the best.  I landed on Wednesday afternoon and took an Uber to a local bike shop where I rented a single speed for the next 5 days.  The guy at the bike shop fitted me to the bike and I was on my way.  5 miles and only 15 minutes later (that's a 30 minute commute by car in LA)...all by bikeway... I was at my destination... and so went the rest of my week.  Wake up in the morning and bike to coffee and read for a few hours, take the long way by bike to a lunch spot/brewery, bike home for a nap, bike to dinner, bike home, repeat.  Basically it was a foreshadowing of my life in heaven.

One of Portland's many names is "Bridge City" which reminded me a lot of Minneapolis and the bikeways crossing the Mississippi.

The Falls and The Ride.
On Saturday Jeff and I decided to have an adventure day.  I knew I wanted to get out to Multnomah Falls which I'd heard so much about and a bartender on Friday night suggested it to Jeff.  After breakfast at Broder's we walked back to our space and agreed that we were going to head there... but how?  I was set on this vacation being 5 days of biking only... and I wasn't sure that a 60-mile round trip bike ride in street clothes was something that I was up for.  We then decided this was such an important thing to see and that Portland is known for having such good public transport that as long as we didn't rent a car we could still feel good about it.  So, we Ubered out there with UberBike (an UberX with a bike rack... once again, Portland being SO Portland).  40 miles and $40 later were arrived to Multnomah Falls in the Columbia River Gorge.

Multnomah Falls

This is the proof that Jeff was with me in Portland... one pic... we are dudes and apparently dudes don't take a lot of pics while on vacation together.

We took our time on a 3 hour hike so we wouldn't feel like tourists hitting just the picturesque locales.  We were looking to get lost.  The hiking in the park was very low traffic and allowed us to easily disengage and enjoy the wilderness and then come out of the trance and dive back into discussions of life.

Natural misty filter on this pic of Upper Wahkeena Falls.

As we were finishing our loop, in true Portland fashion, a light drizzle mixed with steady rain began.  Knowing we had a 20-mile ride to the nearest bus stop we put the rain gear on, saddled up, and went on our way.  As we left I had no idea that we were about to ride on one of the most beautiful stretches of highway that I've ever been on.  I knew at some point through this lush green terrain along the river bed we'd climb, at which point we should have a spectacular view of the valley.  Unfortunately the rain increased and the heavy cloud/fog cover rolled in and visibility was minimal at best.  What I (we) didn't know that as we crested the highpoint of our ride we would come across The Vista House.  During the ride I was happy to  be riding in rain again as it reminded me of how hearty I truly am and how much I enjoy battling through the elements.  But, I was sad that we were missing out on views of the valley that I had been told were spectacular.  Then as I was in an internal pouty state we landed here...

Vista House at Crown Point... single speed accomplishment times 2.

... this unexpected piece of architecture was a good reminder, that it's not always about some far off goal that makes life worth living but that it's the journey, struggles, and gifts along the way to that goal... because what if we never reach our goal?  Was life then not worth it?  This was a welcomed reminder on this cold and rainy day.  Let's be honest if we open our eyes and accept the gifts given in life they can be much greater than what we could've hoped.

So, it's back to boring 70 and sunny LA.  I took a lot away from this trip on how I live my life and my immediate and future goals moving forward.  I'm thankful that Portland showed it's true self (cloudy and rainy) so that I could make a fair evaluation of all the pro's and con's it brings to the table if it truly a place I should consider making a final destination.  Holy shit "final destination" sounds way too permanent and scary... remind me to never use that phrase about a place to live!